I was basically the walking dead.
Seriously, I felt I had nothing to look forward to. I dragged myself through the work week making a grueling 1.5 hour commute each way.
Then back home to a partner/boyfriend that was quick to criticize me and quick to anger. Pleasing him by being home enough was nearly impossible on top of the full time job that I needed to hold down just to keep up with expenses. But I kept trying because living with him made life easier in some ways, and the rest of my life and become too hard. Besides, I doubted whether I could afford an apartment on my home given the sky high cost of housing in the Bay Area.
Being in this situation provoked feelings of shame in me. I’d spent years learning personal and spiritual growth practices and for many years these had borne fruit, but it seems I’d made some sort of relapse into a younger, victimized form of myself, and I wasn’t sure how to get out.
The year before I’d been forced out of the comfortable apartment I’d called home for years, because the landlord wanted to triple the rent. Welcome to the new Bay Area. Needless to say I was devastated. Moving in with my on and off boyfriend of 5 years seemed like a solution. After all, he had a 3 bedroom place lined up for us to rent right now the street.
But even as a packed my boxes my stomach was churning with a sense of dread.
Did I consider leaving for another state? Of course I did!
While people I knew announced they were leaving the San Francisco Bay, going back to places where they’d grown up or established some sort of strong ties my case was different.
The simple fact that I was one of the dying breed of Bay Area natives, meant I had no where to go that would feel like home, at least at first. And I was long pat the age where starting over could feel comfortable.
Then it came.
The intuitive nudge.
I could live abroad. Pack everything up into storage and go live in South America where I lived during my 20s while doing fieldwork for that Phd. I’d never finished. The doctorate I’d never missed – it was in Political Science of all things. But the passion, music, color and heart of South America. That’s I missed constantly.
If I could organized everything and muster up enough courage I could have a second chance.
Of course my fears around this plan were many. If I was unhappy at home how would I fare living out of my home country. How would I fare financially Would I just flip out?
But that didn’t mean it wasn’t a reason to go for it.
Just having the goal in mind provided a source of inspiration. To work on my health, to work out and care better for my body
To work on my inner self talk to be kinder to myself. To not be my worst inner abuser for ending up in the soul sucking situation I found myself in..
I worked out every day to detox my body from the intense emotions. That way even though I was often drained from the insane drama of the relationship, it wasn’t constantly in my body.
I begin to feel my inner being again and leave the trauma bond behind.
But I still needed to figure out how to leave the house and organize my life to pave the way to live my dream of a new life near the equator.
If things worked out this would be a type of rebirth, but there was no guarantee it would work out.